by Nova Ordner

In today’s world, it seems many of us have become apathetic to even the most basic of manners. However, the idle use of common courtesy is a disservice to our children. Kids neglect to cover their faces when they sneeze; they ignore the person whose hands are full trying to get through a door; they forget to remove their caps at the dinner table; and,  “Excuse Me” isn’t heard as often as it should be. So where have all the good manners gone? 

I brought up this topic to the Sunday morning breakfast group, whose members consist primarily of those over the age of 60.  I have always found this group full of knowledge, and I consider myself quite lucky to be privy to such a sapient and well-rounded crowd.  

The members shared with me stories about their own very strict upbringings.  Proper etiquette and good table manners were mandatory. They further expressed how we, as a society, have become too comfortable and relaxed when it comes to general personal conduct.   

Even teachers believe that good manners have to begin at home.  Those children who have positive role models within the home will follow suit in the classroom.  Those who do not just don’t get it. As stated by a teacher named Mrs. Eckert, “If it isn’t implemented on a daily basis within the home, it just won’t stick [in the classroom].” 

Manners are a way for a child to demonstrate self-respect.  Lucia Raatma, author of the children’s book, Self-Respect, defines it in this way: 

“Self-respect means believing in your worth as a person.  It means trying to be the best person you can be.”  (Self-Respect is a Title in the series, “Character Education,” published by Bridgestone Books.) 

I’m a firm believer that self-respect and manners go hand in hand.  Manners show respect and consideration for others, as well. Following are a few refreshers on the more formal pleasantries in etiquette, which might have slipped from our routine in our hectic, fast-paced lives.  

Language Manners for Children 

Do:   

say Please, Thank you, No thank you, You’re welcome and Excuse me. 

apologize, and say I’m sorry. 

reply respectfully to adults and elders with, Yes Ma’am and No Sir.

use appropriate language, and avoid rude and tasteless conversation. 

wait your turn to talk. 

Behavioral Manners for Children 

Do: 

cover your mouth when coughing or sneezing (coughing or sneezing into your shoulder is even more hygienic). 

wash your hands after using the restroom, before meals, and upon entering the house.  

knock before entering a home or a room with a closed door. 

wipe your feet and remove your cap or hat before entering a house or building. 

help with setting and clearing the table. 

chew with your mouth closed.

share and to take turns. 

clean up after yourself, and help with family chores. 

offer your seat to an adult or elder. 

send a “thank-you” note when someone gives you a special gift or does something special for you. 

Teaching your children good manners helps them to develop into well-rounded and respectable people.  It also teaches them to respect themselves and not to tolerate inappropriate behavior directed at them. 

Of course, the best way to instill good manners in your children is to lead by example and practice them yourself.  Try taking the time to explain why a certain manner is used when the opportunity arises.  Discuss with your children what they should do when they encounter a rude person.  Real-life incidences provide the perfect excuse to elaborate on common courtesy. 

Some great books about manners for children are: 

Emily’s Everyday Manners, by Peggy Post and Cindy Post Senning, Ed.D. 

Be Polite and Kind, by Cheri J. Meiners, Ph.D.

Whoopi’s Big Book of Manners, by Woopi Goldberg 

Perfect Pigs: An Introduction to Manners, by Marc Brown and Stephen Krensky 

Nova Ordner, aka Farmer’s Wife, is Household Manager, mother of two children and wife to a farmer.  She’s an optimist who sees life from the greener side.  She's a Glass Half Full Gal.  

image courtesy kikashi

by Meg Coldwells

We’ve all heard the phrase “Actions speak louder than words,” and when it comes to watching your otherwise well-behaved preschooler hit, bite, push, shove or pull the hair of a playmate or friend, our first reaction as parents is usually embarrassment.  We immediately think of ourselves instead of realizing that if little Johnny or little Susie had the ability to use their words, they probably would not resort to physical violence. 

Most experts agree that between the ages of 3 and 5 years old, a certain amount of aggressive behavior is normal and to be expected.  For example, most children younger than age 3 will bite someone else at least once. Biting is not always intentional, and it rarely causes serious injury to the other person or poses any health risks. 

Children bite for different reasons at different ages. A child between the ages of 15 and 36 months may bite another person when he is frustrated, tired, or want power or control over another.  Usually he will bite other children, and less frequently will he bite a caregiver.  Children at this age will stop this behavior as they learn it is not socially acceptable.  It is also important to recognize that, at this age, hostilities can erupt for all sorts of reasons.  In toddlers, it is often without thinking.  A toddler acts on impulse unless diverted or prevented from doing so.  He doesn’t know that kicking someone will hurt; it just seemed like a good idea at the time.   

After age 3, children usually bite when they feel powerless or scared, such as when they are losing a fight or think they are going to be hurt by another person. Most children stop biting on their own.  Biting that happens past age 3 or that occurs frequently at any age may need treatment. This type of biting may be a sign that a child has problems with expressing feelings or self-control. 

A child’s aggressive behavior is often a response to other stresses in his life.  Take a closer look at what might be triggering this behavior.  Have you moved recently? Has he changed schools? Are you having troubles with your marriage?   Is he being bullied at preschool? Did his teacher change at preschool? Has your child been ill?  Although your child may not have the words to tell you what is happening in his world, you might need to do some investigative work to see what might be the problem. 

Sit quietly with your child and talk to him about his behavior. Let him know you are on his side and you are working with him to help him feel better. But also let him know his aggressive behavior will not be tolerated.  Children need to learn how to manage their aggressive feelings and channel them in a socially acceptable way. 

Don’t punish your child by resorting to physical punishment.  By doing so, you are only compounding the problem. Physical punishment teaches children to link anger feelings with aggression. 

If your child has been caught bullying another child, make sure the problem is being dealt with in a manner that is healing to both the victim and the bully.   

If your child has damaged someone’s property, have him apologize to the person whose property he damaged and pay for restitution.  You may have to pay for the damage up front, but he can pay you back by doing extra chores. 

Remember to praise your child each time he manages to control his anger in a challenging situation.  It’s important to recognize the progress he’s making toward mastering this all-important skill.   

It is important to remember that while we are the parents, and we know our children, we also know that tempers flare most easily when they are hungry, tired and over-stimulated. During the Holiday season, don’t forget to spend extra one-on-one time with your child. Doing so can help prevent lashing out and tantrums. 

Meg Coldwells is an adoption coach and mom of a toddler son.  She is an avid photographer with a specialty in children’s candids.  Becoming a parent has been a dream come true for her, and helping others to achieve that same dream is the icing on her cake.

Reach Meg at her blog, or follow her at Grow Together or on Twittermoms. You can also email her at meg@myadoptioncoach.com.